bright eyed tuesday

i had a really good weekend for several reasons. my sister who (is really turning into my favorite) lives with me and is in and out a lot on business, but came in for the weekend. there is something about living with someone else, and when she returns, she is a fresh breath of air. i admire her firstly, for her strength and wisdom. to know that she is that capable of caring for me and seeing sides i have been unable to see, really makes me honor her in that different kind of way. she brought a girlfriend home with her and she lightened up the house in a way that it hadn't been lit up in a long time. the house has been sorta dreary, because of the energy i have contributed to it. when her friend was here, she asked me if i wanted to go to wal mart, and when i told her no, i did not want to go to wal mart, that really had me thinking that i must find something else to do, with what i am doing, because what i am doing is not cutting it. i have managed to put the correlation between what Dr. Phil said and who i fundamentally am, and realized i have been depressed. not sure where these findings have come from, not sure if i can fix it by myself, but realize i need to somehow stop THIS.

so really? Tuesday isn't as bright eyed. i would rather stay in the bed, and do nothing, then get up and conquer the world. i'd rather choose life differently, if it meant Tuesday could be bright eyed.

i did just spend 100 dollars on books i've wanted to purchase for a long time. 100 dollars i don't have, but 100 dollars that i hope will encourage me out of this funk i am in. but you know what? to be completely frank, i have tried this before, thinking i could get slightly involved and that things will turn around for me. and they never don't. so i guess now, i need to focus on noticing when i am most depressed.

i think i will open this dialogue with my mother, soon.