authenticity

in my attempts to keep brownsafelovespace authentic, i realize i must start discussing things i am depressed about. once i open this dialogue to myself, i will then be able to include my mother on discussions once i realize what its going on. now these things will not manifest in any specific order, but as make mention to them, maybe they will allow me to figure out a plan of action.

well, of course it started a long time ago, but i remember i'd fallen for one of my best friends. we'd spent so much time together it was almost ridiculous. we were on the phone constantly, we hung out, sleepovers, etc. i'd left for college the year before she had, and while i was mormon and supposedly straight, i vehemently opposed mormon teachings and doctrines and identified as lesbian. now remember, we'd known each other since we were 12 and had grown up together, no one else really liked or cared for her, everyone else thought she thought she was smarter than everyone which in turn meant she was better than everyone, but that was far from the truth. we'd become close in a way that i'd never been close with anyone in my life. i leave for college a year before her, and after she leaves, she meets someone to marry and is going to marry him almost immediately. so of course, she does not know that i have feelings for her, and have them for so long, plus she is not a lesbian. so i tell her, not to get married. and why. and everything changes after that.

because mormons get married in temples, i hadn't gotten any endowments (i hear god doesn't want lesbians in the temple) so i could not attend the wedding. but its not like i could have stopped it. that began all of the tension between the two of us, while we are not openly fighting, there will always be the fact that we never absolved any of this situation. and to this day, i still love her, like crazy. i felt pain in a way that i never wanted to experience ever again, so then i began to believe i was not lesbian so i would date men, like they ever meant anything to me, but they never did. now while i may would date a man if i were to marry him, maybe i would. but to disregard the fact that i identify as lesbian would just be turning my back on who i am.

but see, i have memories of liking women when i was in 6th grade. mariel was one of my first crushes. like i did not just start with the aforementioned woman, there were women i liked, for years. i remember in 8th grade, angela golden. we were in the same math class with mrs. gloede, and we both agreed that we did not like her, decided we would burn her classroom down. we both got expelled, but she, in the 8th grade. i would always think there was something wrong with me, and i would suppress these things.

but how was i supposed to be a a successful member of the musical thompson family as defined by outsiders, mormon and lesbian?