authenticity

in my attempts to keep brownsafelovespace authentic, i realize i must start discussing things i am depressed about. once i open this dialogue to myself, i will then be able to include my mother on discussions once i realize what its going on. now these things will not manifest in any specific order, but as make mention to them, maybe they will allow me to figure out a plan of action.

well, of course it started a long time ago, but i remember i'd fallen for one of my best friends. we'd spent so much time together it was almost ridiculous. we were on the phone constantly, we hung out, sleepovers, etc. i'd left for college the year before she had, and while i was mormon and supposedly straight, i vehemently opposed mormon teachings and doctrines and identified as lesbian. now remember, we'd known each other since we were 12 and had grown up together, no one else really liked or cared for her, everyone else thought she thought she was smarter than everyone which in turn meant she was better than everyone, but that was far from the truth. we'd become close in a way that i'd never been close with anyone in my life. i leave for college a year before her, and after she leaves, she meets someone to marry and is going to marry him almost immediately. so of course, she does not know that i have feelings for her, and have them for so long, plus she is not a lesbian. so i tell her, not to get married. and why. and everything changes after that.

because mormons get married in temples, i hadn't gotten any endowments (i hear god doesn't want lesbians in the temple) so i could not attend the wedding. but its not like i could have stopped it. that began all of the tension between the two of us, while we are not openly fighting, there will always be the fact that we never absolved any of this situation. and to this day, i still love her, like crazy. i felt pain in a way that i never wanted to experience ever again, so then i began to believe i was not lesbian so i would date men, like they ever meant anything to me, but they never did. now while i may would date a man if i were to marry him, maybe i would. but to disregard the fact that i identify as lesbian would just be turning my back on who i am.

but see, i have memories of liking women when i was in 6th grade. mariel was one of my first crushes. like i did not just start with the aforementioned woman, there were women i liked, for years. i remember in 8th grade, angela golden. we were in the same math class with mrs. gloede, and we both agreed that we did not like her, decided we would burn her classroom down. we both got expelled, but she, in the 8th grade. i would always think there was something wrong with me, and i would suppress these things.

but how was i supposed to be a a successful member of the musical thompson family as defined by outsiders, mormon and lesbian?

bright eyed tuesday

i had a really good weekend for several reasons. my sister who (is really turning into my favorite) lives with me and is in and out a lot on business, but came in for the weekend. there is something about living with someone else, and when she returns, she is a fresh breath of air. i admire her firstly, for her strength and wisdom. to know that she is that capable of caring for me and seeing sides i have been unable to see, really makes me honor her in that different kind of way. she brought a girlfriend home with her and she lightened up the house in a way that it hadn't been lit up in a long time. the house has been sorta dreary, because of the energy i have contributed to it. when her friend was here, she asked me if i wanted to go to wal mart, and when i told her no, i did not want to go to wal mart, that really had me thinking that i must find something else to do, with what i am doing, because what i am doing is not cutting it. i have managed to put the correlation between what Dr. Phil said and who i fundamentally am, and realized i have been depressed. not sure where these findings have come from, not sure if i can fix it by myself, but realize i need to somehow stop THIS.

so really? Tuesday isn't as bright eyed. i would rather stay in the bed, and do nothing, then get up and conquer the world. i'd rather choose life differently, if it meant Tuesday could be bright eyed.

i did just spend 100 dollars on books i've wanted to purchase for a long time. 100 dollars i don't have, but 100 dollars that i hope will encourage me out of this funk i am in. but you know what? to be completely frank, i have tried this before, thinking i could get slightly involved and that things will turn around for me. and they never don't. so i guess now, i need to focus on noticing when i am most depressed.

i think i will open this dialogue with my mother, soon.

America's Doctor Dr. Oz

So I usually catch up on Oprah on the weekends, and there was a particular show that Dr. Oz was on and said there were 5 main steps in detecting depression. The 5 steps are

1. Assess energy (hence my staying awake 16-20 hours a day)
2. Weight loss or weight gain (i have done both in the last year)
3. Change in sleep (i have not slept on a specific sleep pattern in a long time, it having gotten worse in the last year)
4. Problems with concentration (it is hard for me to concentrate on poems from alpha to omega and tasks at work)
5. Apathy (i seem to be indifferent about almost everything in my life now)

I pay a $125.00 phone bill a month, and sadly, I talk to the same two or three people. I do not call people back, I do not call often, I am in this slump that will not go away.

My sister is here this weekend, with a friend. While the first night we were all pretty interactive, I shied away from going with her to people watch, didn't want to go with her to even wal mart. I told her I was going to bed, and I got under the covers, knowing full well I was not going to fall asleep. My sleep patterns are so bad I don't have the energy to go do anything, and I know full well I will not actually go to sleep.

My good friend lexi comes into town, I miss her like crazy, and I do not even make accommodations to see her and she is ON memorial drive, passing my house. I really have distanced myself from my activism, from the black women i love, because i am depressed, and it feels indefinite.

I have example after example, excuse after excuse, and I do not know what has triggered the depression as much as I know I am depressed. What do I even do?

I miss the relationships I should have with women, with black women, and I do not know how to rekindle them. I think it is absolutely too late.

i miss marcus

i have to be strong. i have to tell about what it meant to lose my brother. it has always been hard to move on, thinking i would somehow leave him behind.

what hurts me the most is my siblings do not want to talk about him, as i he never existed. no one approaches me to say "when marcus... or i remember that marcus used to...", i mean, they do not even mention his name, like they never even knew him. and that hurts. because the people that knew who he was can not even mention his name. why do they not want to ever talk about him?

my mother says, not every one has dealt with their grief the same way. she said all of her children have come to her at one point and mentioned marcus, except for one sister alyce. she said everyone else has told her how much they have missed marcus and she has helped them cope.

i am trying to figure out how to cope with having lost him without talking about him, and i am finding it to be really difficult.

loss

it has been nine years, one month, twenty one days and three hours since i received a phone call that would absolutely turn my life upside down. i was sitting in my dorm room, about to go to class when my sister dawn broke the news to me. she called to let me know marcus died, and that it was not a joke. i left my room, walked copiously around campus, shrieking and screaming at the top of my lungs. i remember i was coined the crazy freshman, who'd lost it. my reputation meant nothing at that time. i vaguely remember the words that my sister used, other than to be around when they family pulled up in a couple of hours. i sat in my room, waiting for the news to not be true and it never was disspelled. i remember sitting in my room,waiting for them to come. i felt like i just waited and waited and waited and i paced the floor, stared at the few pictures of my brother on the wall until they showed up.

its too heavy for me. i can not even write any more.

nu beginning

i have come to learn that the only way my vision will be evident is if i am as honest as possible, in a way i have never been before. Instead of using this space as a place to create poetry I will use it as a channel to pass energy from me throughout the universe. i hope to create a path for wholeness and inspiration- something i can be proud of. i want to spend this space as a way to express my inner feelings and expectations i have for myself. i plan to use it as a way to create and draw from my experiences and grow. thank you for following me on my journey.